Just Hold Me Close and Never Let Me Go
by Claraaaaaaaaaaaaa
Summary: Trixie helps Patsy deal with her nightmares after Delia's accident EDITING ISSUE FIXED
1. Chapter 1

I really love Patsy and Trixie as a brotp and an otp and I don't even know what this is so take it romantically or take it platonically but please leave me a review telling me what you think ㇬0

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Some people say that fate decides what does and doesn't happen. Some say its god. Others say the world is in endless chaos and everything is an accident. But one thing is for certain. That all this started one night with a perfectly timed bout of insomnia and a nightmare.

Trixie had been trying to get to sleep for hours now, in the aftermath of her first meeting her adrenaline had surged and she was now finding it impossible to get any rest. She wanted nothing more than a glass of Campari to calm her spinning mind but still steely with determination from the support of her peers lay still in her sheets. She had feigned sleep when Patsy finally came to bed and it had almost killed her to hear one of her best friends in the whole world quietly cry herself to sleep but she knew that had Patsy wanted comfort she would have asked for it in her own way. She would have sobbed dejectedly not sniffled quietly into her pillow.

It was a whimper that captured her attention hours later, had Trixie moving out of her sheets to wake her friend when a wordless scream echoed around nonnatus house waking every single occupant. Nobody came rushing to the door, nobody came to check for burglary, everyone knew that since Delia's accident Patsy had suffered terrible nightmares. Trixie knelt by the side of her friends bed, holding her head under her chin and stroking her hair in the same way she herself had loved to be comforted as a child; feeling a patch of her pyjamas grow damp with tears as, for the first time, Patsy finally let Trixie see the most broken and helpless part of herself.

"Scooch over then" Trixie commanded in a whisper after an acceptable amount of time had passed. "It's December you know? I'm bloody freezing" and with a sniffling, tear heavy chuckle Patsy moved to the side of her bed and allowed Trixie to climb in beside her. The single bed was narrow so the two women had to lay on their sides very close to each other to prevent falling out but neither minded. Trixie held her friend close selfishly that night, because she needed to prove something to herself. That maybe if she could fix someone else than she could fix her own broken bits, that she wouldn't be like this forever. And yet still Patsy recalled the horrors she's witnessed that night and Trixie listened and wiped her tears with every intention of eventually going back to her own bed, but she didn't and when Sister Winifred bustled through the door to awake the women for the morning rounds she was sent stammering and awkward from the room as two women raised their bleary heads from the same pillow in a bed where their limbs were intertwined.

Sister Winifred told Sister Julienne about finding Patsy and Trixie in the same bed that morning and just after lunch both women were called into her office- not for chastisement but merely out of confusion. They both explained that Trixie had simply comforted her hysterical friend and fallen asleep in the process during the dead time between last night and this morning. She promised it would not happen again. But the next day when Sister Julienne quietly stuck her head around the door of the nurses' bedroom she was not surprised to find Patsy's front pressed against Trixie's back under the thick blankets piled up for the perishing nights of early December.

It quickly became known in Nonnatus House that Trixie and Patsy shared a bed, that Trixie's bed was now in effect redundant. It was known but never spoken of. Nobody discussed the fact that Trixie's sheets had been made one morning and not disturbed since- that some of her posters had migrated across the room, that when one emerged the other was sure to follow as in a single bed so narrow it was impossible to get up without waking the other. Nobody discussed it because nobody understood it, they knew it was not romantic, or they at least hoped it wasn't, but past that everyone save the two women were very much in the dark. It was no surprise to either woman one day, when they went to bed, they found the two beds had been removed and replaced by a single double bed as Sister Julienne suspected the narrow single bed could not be a comfortable place for two occupants. And slowly, ever so slowly, the nightmares stopped and the cabinet of liqueur emptied until both women could say they were some semblance of healed but they never requested the single beds be returned.

Fate, God, sheer dumb luck. Call it what you will. Just know that all of this started with a perfectly timed bout of insomnia and a nightmare.

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Hope you liked it ㈴7 please leave a review ㈏3


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

A few people asked me to carry this on so it kind of doesn't fit the omnipresent time scale of the last chapter but just go with it ?

The night after sister julienne's private talk was the hardest for them. They spent an obscenely long time getting ready for bed and then kept Barbra an offensively long time in their room while they smoked and chatted and played records on low so not to wake the nuns. Finally Barbra told them quite sternly that she really ought to be getting to bed and so should they but the moment the door clicked closed it was like the room didn't have enough oxygen in it; Trixie gave a slight cough and walked over to the record player to turn it off. She then began straightening her already pristine cosmetic collection while Patsy got into her bed. It took a few moments until Trixie's heart began to beat faster, she was terrified Patsy wasn't going to ask her back and, it was scary to say this even to herself, she hadn't slept so soundly in such a long time.

"Trixie?" Patsy finally asked, nonchalantly, breaking the heavy silence

"Yes, Patsy"

"Could you- we?..." Came her stuttered reply but she couldn't bring herself to say the words. To say what they implied. Could you please sleep with me in my very narrow framed single bed because you- more than anything else- keep away the nightmares. It was selfish, it was petty and after sister julienne's gentle enquiry it was entirely inappropriate but Trixie understood all those things because she herself was thinking them. She didn't force her friend to finish her sentence, she just smiled and padded over to the bed in her silk pyjamas.

That night neither one of them spoke, they didn't even face each other and at first Trixie kept as much of a respectable distance could be allowed on the narrow mattress. But when Patsy snaked her arms around Trixie's waist and pulled her back flush against her chest Trixie didn't pull away. In fact she almost sighed into the embrace, so starved of human contact that she placed her own arms over Patsy's, squeezing them gently so she knew this was okay.

Patsy breathed in the sweet smell of Trixie's hair products and Trixie tried to ignore how after months of insomnia she relaxed instantly at her friends touch.

The unspoken thank you hung in the air.

When sister julienne poked her head around the door in the early hours of the morning she was not surprised to find the two women sleeping in the same bed, nor wrapped in such an intimate embrace. She first felt comfort at seeing the pair of them truly asleep, that neither had awoken screaming, that they looked some semblance of content wrapped around each other. She still hoped desperately as she left that this would not continue, that once they had become strong enough to exist on their own this would end and Trixie's bed would once again hold purpose. She hoped but part of her knew a bond had formed between them, a bond of the purest kind but unbreakable all the same.

The next morning filtered through the curtains unwanted and coolly bright, tugging both women from sleep as they days work beckoned from what seemed like afar. In semi-unconsciousness Trixie rolled over so she was facing her companion, slotting her leg between Patsy's as they both eased their way to wakefulness.

"Morning" she whispered into the fragile morning air and Patsy merely smiled in return, resting her forehead against Trixie's.

"I didn't have any nightmares" she stated eventually and Trixie nodded, wrapping her in a hug before the days beckon could not be ignored and she eased herself from beneath the warm blankets to get dressed.

After that first night it no longer seemed unusual to the pair of them. Trixie's blankets stayed perfectly made and every night she would crawl into Patsy's bed, moulding herself to her friend with no encouragement needed. It didn't matter if one went to bed before the other, as soon as they slipped underneath the blankets a pair of arms would encircle them and it would be like nothing could hurt them anymore. When one had an early start the other would rise soon after, not because they were jostled awake or because of noise but because they both felt the absence very quickly. They quickly stopped being nervous about people finding out and soon Barbra knew from the sheer amount of time they spent together. The moments when they would absentmindedly curl towards each other when sitting down; the way they both stay on Patsy's bed and she would sit on Trixie's when they stayed up late- just the way they intrinsically gravitated towards each other without even noticing, she wasn't blind. They were almost certain sister julienne had told the other sisters; Cynthia privately told them that whatever made them happy made her happy. Even Shelah gave them a knowing smile every now and again when they would both go to bed at the same time. Everyone seemed to know but never was a comment passed. Sister Julienne never called them into her study again.

I hope you liked it ✌? ﾸﾏ


	3. Chapter 3

Another chapter because I'm getting quite addicted to this story ngl ?

They always used to talk, and not just meaningless chatter that had no substance. They had always Talked to each other. But now they Talked almost nightly, they lay facing one another in the moonlit darkness murmuring into the night; it almost acted as therapy in a way, it helped them to put themselves back together by talking to someone who listened. But not just the listening as you waited for your turn to speak. The real listening. The listening that enveloped you gently and implored you to tell all without actually having to ask any questions.

"You used to scare me silly you know" Trixie whispered into the minute space between them. The moon was bright so Patsy could see her friend clearly in the eerie white light, her already pale skin bleached even whiter, her hair shining platinum, her eyes glimmering in the bright glow. She looked otherworldly. Ethereal. Unreal.

"How so?"

"The way you used to toss and turn until you would scream yourself awake. It was such a desolate sound. So raw. It terrified me to think what you must be dreaming to make such a sound. I'm glad you've stopped."

Patsy's heart began to speed up as she began to recall the terrors that used to engulf her when the moon rose above the horizon. She almost didn't realise she was speaking until Trixie rested a reassuring hand on her waist.

"I would always start the dream somewhere lovely, I'd be here having tea with all of you, or out dancing or at a music hall and Delia would walk in. She would have her hair done and be wearing one beautiful dress or another and even though she never beckoned me I'd always go over to her. I'd greet her and she would just sort of give me a sidelong glance and then look away- like I was an embarrassing stranger. When I would become more insistent she would always say the same thing; no matter where we were or what we were doing. Always the same. 'I'm sorry? Do I know you?'. I'd always start to feel the panic then, like a tidal wave and I'd turn to the people near me and tell them to tell her that of course she knew me. How couldn't she? But then it was like no one could hear me, not that you didn't know who I was just that I didn't exist anymore. I'd start shouting so you'd hear me but then I would always wake up."

Tears were beginning to leak from her eyes and drop onto the pillow. Trixie raised her hand from her friends waist and brought it to her cheek, gently wiping away the tears with no judgement, not even with understanding as she couldn't imagine how it could feel but the fact she was there, that she cared, that was enough.

"It's always awful, Patsy, when you loose a friend-" she began to soothe but Patsy cut her off. She was shocked, they never interrupted one another

"Delia wasn't my friend, Trixie. She was my girlfriend, we were dating" Patsy blurted out so quickly that all the words seemed to blur into one. She hadn't meant to say it- it had just kind of stumbled out of her mouth and to anyone other than the woman she was lying with it would have just sounded like an unintelligible mish mash of sounds. Not to Trixie though, never to Trixie. Patsy began to stiffen as she felt Trixie move, convinced she was going to move back to her own bed; completely uncomfortable with being so close to Patsy after she had just learnt what she had, that this delicate new relationship forming between them would be over.

She didn't

She shifted so that she was as close to Patsy as it was possible to be, one leg hooked over her friend, arms pulling her closer until not only their foreheads were resting against one another but their noses were bumping too.

"Oh, God I'm so sorry Patsy. I'm so sorry I never understood, I'm so sorry I could never be there."

Patsy was shocked, so ready to say goodbye and instead being pulled into the most intimate of embraces with the only thing between them being whispered apologies. Tears didn't seem like an option they seemed like a necessity. Their bodies shifted again so that Patsy's head rested against Trixie's collarbone and she finally let herself feel the grief with someone who understood why she felt it; in the future she pinpointed that exact moment at the one where she started to heal.

"All this time everyone thinking Delia was your friend. All this time having to hide that grief. I don't know how you did it, honestly I don't pats" the women shifted around again so they were facing each other once more, Trixie raised her hand and gently wiped the tears off her friends face with the pad of her thumb

"You get used to hiding after a while, hiding how you feel, hiding yourself away. I guess I'm lucky lots of people don't suspect because nobody's expecting it" Trixie couldn't think of the words to explain that she wasn't 'lucky' and that she should have been able to shout how she felt from the rooftops, she couldn't find the words so she just said "no, you weren't" in a sad whisper and took her friends hand. She rolled over and snuggled her back against Patsy's front and hoped beyond all hope that how tightly she was holding onto her hand would show Patsy that she wasn't lucky at all and that she should have been allowed to be herself long before it was too late. But most heartbreakingly of all she held herself close to show that she wouldn't tell anyone, because that would have been even worse.

That night when Patsy awoke with a tearful jerk Trixie was there and after the tears had stopped and her breathing had slowed she told her something. Whispered right in her ear in the dead of night. "If it ever happens again just look for me; because you'll always exist to me Patsy Mount"

Hope you all liked it ?


	4. Chapter 4

**Idk anything just go with it also lol fixed all the typos I obviously decided not to proof read because I'm clever enjoy**

Neither woman would admit it even on pain of death, but sharing a narrow framed single bed was not the best for ones back. When they would dance, pressed together in the warm light, surrounded by the soft music of the record player, Patsy would sometimes reach around to rub the small of her back, trixie would flex her back muscles with a wince. They hid it well at first as, like most unspoken agreements, nobody was entirely certain who knew so Trixie joined Keep Fit and Patsy soon followed her in a vain attempt to aid their cramped muscles- not that either of them ever said it was for that reason. Trixie learnt how to give massages and after that when Patsy had winced when leaning one too many times she would coax her until she lay face down on the floor and let Trixie work on her until all the knots came loose. All of this happened behind closed doors, in the dead of night or covered by different reasons. They didn't know why they hid these intimate details of their arrangement, they knew all of nonnatus house knew of their sleeping patterns to some extent and when these actions were performed between women it would be seen as completely innocent if out in the open.

They hid them anyway because the line became so blurred neither one even knew where it was anymore.

Sister julienne was not a dense woman; she could not even be classed as naive. She had seen many things in her years as a midwife and very little escaped her notice. She would notice when Trixie would lean to get something, wincing slightly in pain and Patsy would turn around and place a hand on the afflicted area, a worried look marring her pretty features for a second. She noticed whenever then entered into the same room they intrinsically gravitated towards each other and she also noticed how everyone else moved to allow this to happen. If Patsy walked into a room whoever was sitting next to Trixie would unconsciously move to allow them to sit together. She noticed how Patsy always seemed to know about Trixie's latest diet around the dinner table before anyone else did and she noticed how Trixie knew exactly how to soothe Patsy after a particularly tough case. She also knew that both women slept in the same bed and the cramped conditions were causing more than a little discomfort. The fact they didn't stop despite this spoke volumes to her. The final straw came when she entered the girls room to tell them that dinner was about to be served to see Patsy lying face down on the floor with Trixie straddling her across the back while her hands kneaded the muscles. They both had looked round at her and Trixie had nonchalantly told her they would be down in a minute, that she was just working a knot out of Patsy's back. That day she decided that hoping this arrangement would come to its natural end was naive and affecting her nurses ability to do their jobs. She decided to ask Fred to replace the two single beds in their room with a double. Fred hadn't raised an eyebrow and he didn't ask why, he told sister julienne he would and spent the day doing it. That night before the women decided to head off to bed sister julienne mysteriously told them she hoped their backs would feel better soon and they politely thanked her, confused as to what she meant.

When they entered their room that night, chatting inanely about the day's work, they laughed. They laughed because they now understood and they laughed because they finally felt like what they were doing wasn't seen as a taboo. They laughed because they didn't know such a small change could make them feel so happy. They flopped down onto the bed laughing about how much space there was, pretending they could barely reach each other despite it being a perfectly normal sized double. When their laughter died down and they were laying side by side on their backs Trixie began to ponder.

"Do you think she was trying to give us a hint patsy?" She asked, alarmist through a laugh

"What do you mean?" The other woman enquired

"If you insist on sleeping in the same bed you must sleep at opposite ends of this bigger bed" she clarified, now almost completely giving into the giggles and Patsy followed suit, laughing at the statement that had such possibility for truth. She reached over and pulled Trixie towards her, meaning to pull her into their usual spooning position but somehow Trixie rolled over in the space and suddenly they were pressed flush against each other, the funny comment about liking Trixie so much better cuddled up to her dying on Patsy's tongue. Their breathes came out in harsh, audible gasps, Trixie's eyes flicking between Patsy's eyes and lips unsure what to do or how to fully process the feelings had been stirring within her for a while now. Not only did she think she was falling for a girl she was falling for Patsy of all girls.

Patsy Mount. Of all people.

"Do you love me, Patsy?" She asked suddenly, her voice only just above a whisper, taking her companion by surprise.

"Of course I do Trixie-" her flippant reply began but she was cut off before she could finish her deflection.

"I don't mean like that"

"I know. The answer I suppose is that... Well... I don't know"

"That's good. Because I just don't know either."

And rather than Trixie rolling over as she usually would at this moment, letting Patsy's arms circle around her, she shifted downwards so her head fit underneath Patsy's chin. Their legs began to tangle and their arms held each other so tightly, almost as if they were scared they would float away without each other, contemplating how this had shifted without them noticing. How this had become love almost before it had become friendship.

 **I hated this chapter for so long and I just couldn't finish it because j felt like it never sounded right. Ugh I'm just pure trash please review love you guys**? ﾟﾏﾻ


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for all the feedback guys I'm so glad someone will put up with my trashy ass** ?

They lived in this odd state for quite a while. Knowing that they loved one another- knowing the other knew of their love- and doing nothing about it. They continued to appear to the outside world as they always had, they had always moved in sync with each other; their closeness had always been more so than any other pair within Nonnatus but to the two of them something pivotal had shifted. Now, just before sleeping they would whisper three words into the space between them, so hushed that even if someone had been standing at the door they wouldn't have been able to decipher the message. Only once had they come only a whisper away from finally letting themselves feel. They were laying atop the covers, fully dressed and blissfully alone for once in Nonnatus. They had begun talking, facing each other, but the words soon died away and instead of speaking they just looked at one another.

Trixie drank her companions face in, almost certain this would somehow end in her being heartbroken and alone. She decided that day she could happily live in Patsy's eyes for the rest of her life. Patsy marvelled at the breathtaking beauty that was Trixie Franklin, her big, bright eyes, the delicate curve of her lip, the almost nonsensical smoothness to her skin. She had reached out in that moment and ghosted her fingers across Trixie's cheekbone, certain it must be an illusion of some kind, but it felt just as smooth as it appeared; like an eggshell. They remained this way for many hours, never tiring of each other, until they heard the door slam as Barbra came home. With a sigh Patsy removed her hand from Trixie's face and they both rose from their bed and headed downstairs to be a part of the evening.

No, they did not allow themselves the indulgence of letting themselves fall truly in love with each other. That was until a single event shook Nonnatus house so greatly that everyone was sure the very foundations must have crumbled away to nothing.

Sister Evangelina passed away.

Trixie doesn't remember the moments following Sister Julienne breaking this devastating news, but she does remember the muffled bang of her bag hitting the floor and the clack of her shoes as she ran from the office. Nobody batted an eyelid when Patsy immediately followed her, somehow aware that Trixie would run almost before Trixie herself was. In fact everyone in the room was secretly relieved that Patsy had hurried after her, knowing Trixie would be looked after

"Trixie, wait!" Patsy called out, catching her arm and pulling her around, she could see tears were already falling down her face.

"Why? What can I say? She's gone, Patsy. She's gone-" not even Patsy knew how she would finish the sentence and she never found out because Trixie let out a heartbroken, gasping sob and allowed Patsy to instantly envelope her. They didn't know how long they stood there, Trixie's face buried in the crook of Patsy's neck, their tears mingling together, but at some point Sister Julienne came over to them, placing a comforting hand on their backs. When they turned to face her she gently reminded them that Sister Evangelina would not have wanted them to stand there all day, she would have wanted them to work. It was with heavy hearts that they agreed.

The days until the funeral passed in a blur, the kept themselves horrendously busy during the daytime and held each other impossibly close when the moon rose, desperate for comfort but also reminded that what you cared most about could be ripped away in a second. They both pretended the other wasn't crying themselves to sleep every night. When the funeral came and went, the streets lined with more people than anyone thought possible, when they had eaten and entertained and everyone had gone home; when everyone had gone to bed finally came their moment. They lay clinging to each other in the moonlight, unable to sleep. Trixie couldn't quiet her mind, all she could think about was talking to rambunctiously and behaving in a way that made the Sister cringe. She couldn't make herself forget every time she had made the Sister angry or disappointed in her until she spoke into the darkness

"How do two women even go about it the bedroom department, Patsy?" She asked suddenly. Patsy wasn't particularly taken off guard, in fact she had expected that to have been asked long ago, sometime shortly after her revelation about Delia. In fact she was shocked it had taken so long

"I suppose you just... Well you just do what feels... Good" was all she could offer, fully expecting that to be the end of the conversation. She was wrong. Very deliberately Trixie placed her leg over Patsy's hip and pushed herself up and over until she was straddling her. Every movement was so deliberate and measured as she leant down and traced the back of her hand across Patsy's cheek, dragging it down to her collarbone.

"Does this feel good?" She questioned, her voice taking a breathy tone.

"Trixie?" Patsy asked, trying to sound like she was even a little bit in control of herself but that was a hard task when her breath was coming out in harsh, desperate gasps

"Make me forget Patsy. Make me forget my own name" she breathed right in her ear before finally pressing their lips together.

Patsy didn't argue.

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